False positives: Nobody bats .100

Well, I screwed up big time with my last blog post, friends. I received clarification that Sue Gardner was just testing the spam filter and making sure we are sufficiently fortified against trollish influences—an excellent use of her salary, I must admit. Indeed, I salute Sue for knowing the dangers that brave little editors face, as we wiki away in our wiki world.

This leaves me with egg on my face. A role model of mine once said that nobody bats .100. How true that is. For example, Mario Mendoza, after whom the Mendoza line was named, batted .198 in the 1979 season, but not .100. Not even the most seasoned sock/troll dick is expected to reach this unattainable goal. But should we quit, just because it is impossible for us to bat .100? Of course not. Our cause must march on.

However, it is time for you to pick up that fight.

My time here has come to an end. I am being sucked into every trap that these paid trolls lay for me and I may be doing more harm to our cause than good. You may recall that I quit before and came back (so what? A lot of people do that).

I am quitting again.

There is only one thing that can save me now and that is attention: massive amounts of it. Plead with me to keep blogging and foraging on, leaving a virtual blood trail of troll blood in my way has I deliver hard-hitting posts that cut to the quick of cantankerous cockpuppets that invade our Holy Wiki daily. Say things like, “Don’t let the trolls get you down” and “Fuck you Daniel Brandt for running off the best Wikipedia blogger that blogspot has ever seen and may you contract leprosy and lather yourself in honey and dive into an apiary.”

Your disingenuous and hollow pleas to a person you have never met and will never meet is my only hope. Help to keep Wiki Defender wasting his life blogging and make disingenuous pleas for me to stay, and maybe I will.

In other news, The Sloan Foundation has donated 3 million dollars to the Glorious Wikimedia Foundation, which guarantees that children in Africa will be afforded the opportunity to learn about butt harps, mammary intercourse, Cleveland steamers, soggy biscuits, ball locks, and, of course, rusty trombones.

This in mind, I post a celebratory youtube. It is titled “Holy Money” and is performed by Swans.

*note* Some have pointed out that this does not seem to be a celebratory song at all; they feel it is creepy and depressing. Another person suggested that drinking a bottle of cough syrup may correct this feeling, but I neither condone nor suggest you do this.

Farewell fellow Wiki Defenders,

The Wiki Defender

WMF INFILTRATED BY TROLLS

This just in to The Wiki Defender: Sue Gardner, executive director of the Wikimedia Foundation, is possibly a contracted Wikipedia Reuiner/Wikipedia-watch mole, out to decimate Wikipedia and enslave us as minions to Daniel Brandt.

I know what you are thinking. “This is a serious, world changing revelation, Wiki Defender! Where is your evidence?”

Well friend, take 2 milligrams of Xanax, wait an hour, and feast your eyes upon this diff. I webcited it here, just in case the trolls have also schemed their way into the ranks of oversight.

Most disturbing is that the edit is to the User space of Deputy Director, Erik Möller. What are we to infer from this? Is she daring our darling deputy to come after her, or G-d forbid, is Erik also a paid troll? Are they both in cahoots with Daniel Brandt, plotting day and night on how to demolish our worshipful wiki?

Right now, I want to purchase a one-way plane ticket to San Francisco and lead an anti-cyberstalking revolutionary mob of Concerned Wikipedians into the offices of the Wikimedia Foundation to demand answers. It is taking all the self-control and prescription medications I have to prevent me from doing so. I need your help.

Please alert all Great Wikipatriots of this diabolical plan, mastered by a motley crew of trolls and stalkers! Shout it from the rooftops; forward this breaking news to the various cyberstalking lists we maintain to fight the trolls--tell the Father, The Son, The holy spirit and the Blessed Virgin, so that we may get to the bottom of this highly unsettling development.

What? You think I am over reacting? Well I think you are cyber terrorist troglodyte! In the off chance that you think I am over reacting and you are not a Wikipedia Review ruffian, allow me to explain:

Needless to say, providing links to harassment is detrimental and we must not appear as if we condone these attacks. It is clearly a blockable offense. This is a no brainer. There is never, ever, any reason to link to a vile hate site such as the one Ms. Gardner linked to. It sends a message that users may harass and stalk other users, post libel about them, take them on pleasure trips without their consent, contact their employers to call them off sick from work, feed their dogs Ex-Lax, knock on their doors and run at 11:00PM, and call their sick grandmother at 3:00AM to ask her if she has Prince Albert in a can, so long as they do it off-wiki.

Is that your position, Sue?

Do not sit idly by as the highest ranks of the WMF are infiltrated. Sue Gardner, Wikipedia is not here to make people sad. These are treacherous wiki times that we are wiki living in; even those who appear to be allies are turning out to be possible trolls. Someone please explain this situation to me, so that I can start working on getting butt harp to GA status. Godspeed to you all.

Heavily medicated yet frantic,

The Wiki Defender
*contemplating the fact that my siblings may be on the payroll of Daniel Brandt *